Day 283 of Happily Ever After

Gigi often rolls her eyes and says that I make sappy posts out of the mundane. I suppose it’s true, because I look at everything in life as a lesson. More times than not, I have failed in life, but my hope is always to be better and to help others be better. Today is no different. So, roll your eyes if you want, or read on for today’s revelation.

Today started out badly, not just because of the sickness, but because of a situation with my daughter. I had shared something with her that I thought she needed to work on. She disagreed with me and fought back. It was a rough ride to school and she got out without saying goodbye and without telling me she loved me. It was hurtful because I didn’t say it to hurt her, but to make her think about her actions. I always want her to grow and learn and be the best she can be, but I think even with the best intentions, we all get defensive when we disappoint people. I left her at school, hurt that she wouldn’t even listen.

She was leading worship today and I really wanted to be there, but with this sickness, I didn’t feel up to going. So I went to get my xrays and on the way back, I decided to stop at the school since chapel was about to start. I was coughing and weak, but I stood against the back wall and listened. I watched as she sang her heart out. She had been sick all last week and I knew she was struggling with her voice…but she didn’t quit. I watched her worship and praise God, and truthfully, nothing else mattered at that moment. She didn’t know I was there. And I’m sure she didn’t care. She was mad at me, but all I felt was love and happiness.

Keeping her at Victory all these years has been such a sacrifice, but to see her living her dream, doing what she loves to do, and to see her unafraid to show her love for God…I’d breathe my last breath to do it all again.

And that’s when it hit me. The revelation.

How often does Jesus look at me like I looked at my daughter this morning? How many times have I ignored Him or been angry with Him and He still showed up? When I’m sick or struggling, how often is He right beside me, cheering me on, but I don’t even notice? How many times has He tried to correct my behaviors and I fought with Him, only to realize later that He was right? Or how often have I looked for Him in the crowd and not seen Him or felt abandoned by Him, but He was standing on the sidelines working all things for my good?

Countless. Always. His love is fierce, relentless, and unconditional upon anything I say or do. No matter how many times I’ve hurt Him or betrayed Him, He loves me still. He never lets me turn away without reaching out to bring me back. He knows every desire of my heart and wants to fulfill those desires even more than I do. And He did breathe His last breath for me, to give me this life that I have. None of this is to say that I am like Jesus, because there are days I am far from it. Rather, it is to say that being a parent has daily taught me about the love of God.

There have been a lot of harsh things said to me in the last couple of days from various people. There was a time it would have made me crumble, and quite frankly, today could have been one of those days with all that I’m up against. But as I stood quietly against the wall, listening to Gigi sing, God gave me a clear reminder that no matter what anyone says (strangers or friends or even the voices in my head), His love is relentless. He passionately pursues me and nothing about me will ever push Him away.

His love is a love I never have to question and for that, I am grateful.

Soul-Speak

Day 261 of Happily Ever After

What I’m finding on the winding path to Happily Ever After is that things circle around. Joy and sadness, success and failure, good and evil – they all seem to be on a constant merry-go-round. Just as one passes, another appears. The same can be said for a person’s own successes and failures. We can work hard to develop a certain part of ourselves and think we’ve mastered it, but as surely as we confidently walk in our victory, we are tested yet again.

New beginnings hold a promise and a hope for a brighter future, but in reality, life is a myriad of ups and downs and we have to constantly be on-guard and prepared to win the next battle. To think ourselves masters of our lives and of our struggles, is to invite temptation and testing. Rather, to be humble enough to know we are fallible, perhaps makes us more prepared when the next temptation or battle comes.

My greatest desire is to live a holy life, blameless and sinless, loving people as Christ has so beautifully loved me. Yet I find that daily I am a disappointment to Him, sometimes in small ways and other times in devastating ways. I look in the mirror and see the scars of broken moments and a lifetime of failures. It would be so easy for shame to overtake me. Yet, as I prolong the stare in the mirror, I hear His voice through Scripture, “But he was wounded and bruised for our sins.  He was beaten that we might have peace…”. It is not God’s will for us to torment ourselves over our failures. Jesus did that for us. His word echoes over and over, “And this is what God says we must do: Believe on the name of his Son Jesus Christ, and love one another.” Sometimes loving others is easier than loving ourselves, but in truth, we must learn to love and forgive ourselves first, before we can extend that to others.

Love God and love people. If we could all learn to do those two things, we would all be in a world of Happily Ever After. But we are a broken, fallible people, hurt by life’s circumstances, and loving the unlovable (even if we are the unlovable) is not something that comes naturally. It is supernatural. What seems impossible, is possible. All it takes is the first step. Look in the mirror. No matter what you see, look beyond it to the cross and hear God’s voice. He’s telling you that He loves you just as you are. You are His son or His daughter and He makes beauty from ashes. No matter how many times you fall on your journey to Happily Ever After, He is there with open arms to pick you up and guide you further. He will never leave you or forsake you. What more perfect love could we know than that? And once you’ve known that love, how could you not live your life giving it to others?

Day 100 of Happily Ever After…

So much has happened since Day 86 (my last post). Some good and some bad, some surprises, some knock me off my feet moments, and a couple of milestones. Gigi turned 16 twenty days ago. And today, Jack turned 17. “The babies” as we always called them. Two peas in a pod.

Today, they couldn’t be more different, yet I see so much in them that is the same. They both have tender hearts and a love for people who are hurting. They both love music and acting. They both have such wisdom, beyond their years. They both hear from God and know His voice.

Anyone who knows me, knows my children are what I love most in this world. I could fail at everything else in life, but nothing would crush me more than failing them as a mom. Yet I have…many times. When I look at their successes, I can only thank God that He is their Father and that He has carried them through the toughest of times and shown Himself faithful every single time.

I hurt when they hurt, laugh when they laugh, and when I see them pursuing their purpose, my heart is full. It’s tough to see your kids struggle while finding their place…wanting to “fix” things and make their paths easy. But in my own experience, it was the rough paths, the mistakes, the hardships, that each shaped who I am today. I am continually learning and growing and becoming a better, Christ-like me. So when I see my kids struggling, I know they will be doing the same thing. Letting go as they grow up can be difficult, but I’m finding that it empowers them to blossom into the young men and women they were created to be. And there is nothing more beautiful to a mother than seeing that evolution.

Though I only got an hour with Jack today, I celebrate him everyday. From the moment he was born, he brought laughter and love along with him. He is fearless and independent and since childhood he felt he could take on the world….and tried!

He is here on purpose because he has a purpose and I believe God will show him that purpose so he can pursue it passionately.

Just when you think life is getting easier, hard things come. But in the middle of it all, whether good, bad or uncertain, I can still attest with complete certainty that God is faithful and that He never leaves us or forsakes us. I don’t know our future, but I know the One who holds it and for that, I am grateful. I’ll never do life alone because I know He is with me.

Tonight, I am thankful for three intelligent, beautiful, creative, talented children who all know the faithfulness of God. I am grateful for life and for being blessed to do life with the three of them.

Happy birthday, Jack-Jack. I love you to the moon and back and twice around eternity.

Day 156 of Happily Ever After…

Today I laughed with friends, talked about God stuff, life stuff, and pondered lots of “what if’s”. I thought about my life and this Plan-B I’ve been living; how it’s grown me as a person and changed my perspective on so many things.

I thought about this quote tonight from the movie “I Bought a Zoo”:

Benjamin Mee: I like it when you talk. You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage. Just, literally, 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.

I watched that movie when it came out – right after my divorce – and cried so hard. But that quote has stuck with me. As a person who has lived in fear my whole life, I decided this year, my new life would be one of strings of moments of insane courage. We don’t have to have courage for a whole thing, just for the first step.

I started this week with one of those moments and I was surprised by the outcome. My goal for this year is to purposely choose those bursts of courage to see where those moments will lead.

I am not who I was, but it’s exciting to know that I’m not who I’m going to be either. Life is such a grand adventure, even in the disappointments. In fact, it’s because of those disappointments that I’m able to truly cherish all that is good in my life.

I am so grateful for friends who love me and sharpen me.

Oh…and I got to cuddle this sweet girl tonight. She was born on 9/11 (my Gigi’s bday) and her name is Liberty (what I almost named Gigi). I think she and I share a special bond. Isn’t she beautiful?? (Yes, I look goofy, but she’s simply adorable!)

Day 212 of Happily Ever After

I’m learning that “Happily Ever After” isn’t something that happens to you, it’s something you create. Happy isn’t a constant state-of-being in this life. We’re dealt hardships. Sometimes we choose hardships. But even in the midst of those, we can find our “happy”.

Today I found my happy in the village of women who surround me. Being a single mom has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I haven’t always done it well. In fact, I’ve probably had more failures than successes. But these women who have walked with me through it all, and many times carried me or dragged me so I wouldn’t give up, they are the strength behind my every step. The prayers, the words of encouragement, the bubble gum deliveries in the middle of the night (Trisha Glover Jennifer Clement Olinske),the laughter and tears we’ve shared…that’s a happy place.

Many people say they don’t like working with other women because of the drama and pettiness, but I have actually asked God to place more women in my life; to give me connections and friendships that would be lifesaving, purpose-driving connections that would empower me to do more than I imagined.

I have been fortunate to have so many incredible women in my life over the years and I’m grateful for these new opportunities, as well. You haven’t seen mountains move until you’ve seen the power of a group of praying women.

They talk about a grandmas prayers carrying people through…but a mom’s prayers….those are the prayers that move mountains.

So to all my fellow mountain movers – I am thankful for you. And I love and appreciate each one of you!

(Partial tags, but I hope you all know who you are. )

Day 177 of Happily Ever After

Freedom. Many people think divorce is freedom – freedom from “not loving them anymore”, freedom from the arguing, freedom from the nagging, freedom from the cheating. What they don’t realize is that divorce is actually a prison.

You may be “free” of that spouse, but you step into a prison cell with yourself and all the things you contributed to the marriage becoming a failure. You are also in that cell with new problems, new arguments that are more vengeful and angry than ever before, with new schedule challenges, new parenting challenges, and heaven have mercy if you actually bring a new spouse or significant other in there with you!

People have asked me for years why I haven’t remarried. This, I think, is the reason why. Until I could deal with all the things in my cell, it wouldn’t be fair to my kids or anyone else for me to trap them inside that cell. If you jump from marriage to a new relationship quickly, I can almost assure you of its demise.

You see, freedom is really a journey of self discovery. It’s admitting failure, recognizing problems in you and in your past and taking the initiative to fix them before you move forward. I’m not saying freedom is perfection, but it’s certainly being at a point where you recognize what needs to change and you’re taking the steps to do so.

It took me 9 years to get to Day 177. Maybe I’m a slow learner. But on day 177 I can say that I have been tested by fire. I’ve been ripped apart (willingly) from the inside out to get to this point of freedom. I will never achieve perfection, but I’m so thankful to say that walking in daily forgiveness, being vulnerable to see my own faults, and learning to change my perspective has brought me a great sense of peace and freedom.

2019…I’m ready. Let’s go change the world.

Happy is a Mindset

Day 168 of Happily Ever After – Happy is a mindset #choosehappy

Today’s realization is that “Happily” doesn’t come without obstacles and effort. It’s a constant choice in the midst of adverse circumstances.

Someone stopped me in the hallway at church Sunday and prayed for me. Part of her prayer was, “Deana has been through so much, God. Show her a life that’s not so hard.”

I dream of a day that would be true, but even if it never comes, in the midst of crazy hard, I am a living example of God’s faithfulness.

My son told me recently that he wanted me to help him write about our story. He said because “you were so strong through it all and you handled it well. I want our experience to help others who are struggling through it.”

Me? Strong? Never in a million years is that how I thought my kids would describe me. They’ve seen me at my worst. They’ve seen me in a heap of tears on the floor. They’ve seen me struggle to forgive and struggle to go on. They’ve seen me try hard not to lash out or retaliate and have seen me when I failed. I look in the mirror and see anything but strong.

But I also look in the mirror and see the face of so many miracles. The fact that my son sees me as strong, that he wants to help others, that my kids have love and compassion when they have every reason to hate…those are but a few of the miracles.

If I am strong, it is only strong in faith. If I trust at all, it is only because of a God who keeps His every promise. If I live, love and laugh, it is not because people have loved me beautifully, but because God has shown me perfect love, laced in grace and mercy.

If I suffer, I endure because I know Christ suffered more. There is nothing I will ever face that He doesn’t already have a solution for. I may not see it, but I know it’s there. I may not understand it, but I don’t have to. I just have to believe…and that’s something I’ve had lots of practice doing.

#newyearnewme #ibelieve

Day 159 of Happily Ever After

***Disclaimer*** This post, in no way, is trying to tell you not to sue for child support. It is absolutely your right and you deserve it. This is, rather, a post about my own journey and resolution. Everyone has to do what’s right for their own situation.

I had someone tell me today that I should go after child support. Many people over the years have told me to. It’s a battle I fight often in my heart and my head because my kids deserve it. Every single year has been a struggle…but…

I have seen so many people fight for child support. And I get it. I totally get it. But I’ve seen the heartache, the bitterness, the anger, the fighting and how much it ages them and makes them sick because they’re constantly fighting. And I know from experience that it costs so much money to sue them for it that in the end it feels like it wasn’t worth it.

I guess in my own head and heart I had to resolve that: 1. God is my provider, 2. Suing for support would not just bring resistance, but outright revenge towards me, 3. My kids deserve peace and a chance to get to know their dad without the divide that animosity would cause.

Is it hard? Yes. Does it stretch my faith in God? Absolutely. Do I get angry? Sometimes. Is it fair? Not in the slightest. But I have learned that we can’t make other people do the right thing. Fighting with them won’t change their hearts.

I’ve applied that lesson over and over in life. I’ve taken the hard road in order to keep my own heart from growing bitter. Even if I do it through tears, I pray for the people who hurt me. Would I be in a better financial place if I fought all the people who have cheated me? Yes. But would I have a clean heart and be at peace? No.

Many people disagree with these decisions. But to each of them I would say that God is a better provider than my ex ever was and He has restored my heart and soul, which is far more important than anything money could ever buy.

Everyone has to make their own choices in this fallen world. I would never judge someone for choosing what I didn’t. But I post this simply to say that money isn’t everything. In these difficult situations, consider the condition of your heart, because that is eternal. Money will always come and go, but we only get one heart and one life.

On day 159 as I consider all the wrongs done to me over the years, I can lie down in peace with forgiveness towards everyone and every situation and I can sleep knowing that God has never failed me and that He is always faithful.

P.S. Support women-owned small businesses. 😊

#moneycantbuypeace

Forgiveness is Freeing

Today a lot happened and some of it made me think about all I’ve had to forgive in my life. I remember in some of my darkest moments, a pastor told me that to forgive, I just had to say it, even if I didn’t feel it. Forgiveness isn’t a feeling, I agree, but when your heart has been healed and true forgiveness has penetrated your soul, you definitely feel it. It’s so freeing!

There were two things that helped me (and still help me) to forgive others:

1. The realization that all sin is equal and all people are sinners. If God can forgive me my sins and never bring them up again, I have absolutely no right to hold other people’s sins over their heads. We all change. Why should I hold them to who they used to be and assume they never changed?

2. I asked God how I could stop feeling the deep hurts I felt, because honestly, some of them were pushing me toward hatred. He took me to Matthew 5:43-45 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven.

That second one, boy that was a doozy! Love your enemies. LOVE the people who HURT you!? So much of what God asks us to do makes absolutely no sense, but if we obey, we realize that His way is for our good.

Whenever someone wrongs me or hurts me, I start to pray for them. There have been times all I could muster was “bless them” through sobs. But as time has gone by and more hurts have happened, I’ve realized that it gets easier. I’ve had so much practice and it truly does get easier!

Today, I practiced it again. And I will practice it every day until I die. If you’re feeling offended or hurt by someone, choose to pray for them. Speak blessing over them. And every time you start to feel the hurt again or feel anger or hatred towards them, just pray. You’ll be amazed what it will do for you.

Love truly does change things and there’s no greater love than God’s love. #practicemakesperfect

Mid-Life (Work) Crisis

Have you ever had a mid-life (work) crisis, where you get to a certain point in your career and you think, “Well, I’ve done what I set out to do. Now what?” That’s where I am in life. I’ve spent my entire adulthood doing what I love to do. I’ve worked on movies, documentaries, hundreds of commercials, promotional videos, traveled to different countries shooting video and stills, written and directed both live plays and short films. I’ve done live TV, pre-taped shows, and I’ve done everything from starting out as a production assistant to writing, directing and editing. I even moved into still photography and shot the gambit of things from portraits, to real estate, to live events. I topped all that off with authoring my first book. My professional life is full and I’m happy with the things I’ve done, but I can’t help thinking there has to be more.

So here I am at 51 thinking, “What next?” Can a person have two full careers, one starting over in their fifties? What happens when you’ve lived your dream and you don’t have a Plan B dream? I suppose the future is a blank canvas and you can make it whatever you want, but some things take time to cultivate. How do you make a living in the meantime? Do you go work at a fast food place? Do you stand on the corner with a cup until you can figure it out? When you’re standing at the crossroads of what was and what will be, how do you gracefully make the transition?

That’s a question I have yet to answer. Building a new dream is a process. And doing it at this stage of life is a little intimidating. But it’s not impossible. When you know you’re ready to walk away from everything that was, you have to have the strength and courage to just take the plunge. I’ve had lots of practice at the courage part, but jumping off cliffs blindly is not something I’ve ever done well.

Transitional periods are difficult, but each one has something new to teach us. It’s the learning and growing in those stages that prepare us for the next phase. So I suppose while I’m figuring out my Plan B Dream, I’ll take out a pencil and paper and take notes and wait for the perfect combination of readiness and opportunity. I expect it to be knocking any day.